I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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