its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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