i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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