Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
