the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
how does that bad decision feel?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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