can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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