I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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