yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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