I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
