After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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