Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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