3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
