Will you blow on my dice?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
