I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
