Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
