I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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