"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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