I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
