It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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