my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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