Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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