Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
