I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
