I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
