You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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