my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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