It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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