My liver just broke up with me...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
