Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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