I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
