normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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