saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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