He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
