Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
