it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
