I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
