we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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