Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
