I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
