hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off