you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
