So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
