You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
