This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
