ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
