it was like his penis was on wheels.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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