please come you make the beer taste better
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's the barista slut.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
