I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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