Can i not drive my cunt home
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
