You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
