ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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