At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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