i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
