I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
